Archive for April, 2007

In celebration of the fact NBC will not renew The Apprentice this week, I salute everyone who agrees that Donald Trump is a (horrid) site to behold.

Let’s analyze the harsh noise that is The Donald!

Trump is a man with the confidence of an army. It was only a matter of time before he became the latest crap to make noise in reality television, a genre that always reminds me of those “900-“ porn lines of the early 90’s.

Trump isn’t all he cracks himself up to be, and so herewith a reality check on what his fame has meant to a nation of watchers. And maybe do something to ebb the flow so that when Spike TV picks up his washed-up show, we can remember not to watch.

Yes, it’s personall. I tried Fear Factor. I gave Survivor a shot. All the while I was lusting for one—any!—rerun of The Simpsons. At least there I can learn something. (“Look,” says little Ralph Wiggum. “Everyone is hugging.”)

I have no interest in, and cannot bear the publicity over the goings-on of, a man spending his family’s money. Seeing Don horde it over people is neither entertaining nor compelling. Giving something away on TV? Hardly new. Ben Stein earned his money a new-fashioned way and doled it out when contestants answering goofily intelligent questions with a wink and a nod. That makes sense—and pretty good TV.

Then a few years ago we got Trumped. This is a guy who eats sound bites for a living (“He does so much PR, when does he get any work done!”) used NBC’s downtrodden imprimatur and uncanny machine-making skills to boost his id. (This is a network so desperate they replaced decent drama with Real Wedding Crashers just to get up from the basement.) Don abuses the NBC system and achieves attention by slow-news-day-grabbing stunts that are tiring and show no innovation. He hates Rosie? Big fucking deal. Who doesn’t!

To boot, stunts like this take our energy away from the news of the day.

Draping a giant You’re Fired! banner along one of his leased buildings…attempting to ‘TM’ his unusually nasty saying against a tiny clay-baking company in Illinois…talking about his competition publicly to give them a chance to put up their dukes…dull manners in which Apprentice clinged to and cluttered our already-deluged minds.

Strong marketing serves a purpose and sells a deemed-necessary product. Donald Trump doesn’t have the chops. His smirk is not charming and regardless of what Marla Maples said, he is not alluring. Isn’t it true that TV = sex? At least that’s what the grandstanding religious folks tell me.

I wonder if NBC’s managers pondered how stuff like this pushed intelligent people further from tube time. With that in mind, here are some points to remember:

In post-Recession America we shouldn’t have been listening to someone flipping off, You’re fired! with glee. That trashy line from The Weakest Link (“Goodbye!”) was bad enough, but no one took her seriously; it was a passing phrase phase like “Where’s the beef.”

Did you ever imagine any of the actors on The Apprentice working for you? Need I pursue this?

Since Trump is not as rich as he thinks, the crass thought came to me that, “No, I don’t want advice from a failed tycoon.” And would any of us want to work for someone who takes no one’s advice? Lucille Ball would not approve! And yes, the hair is hard to look at.

What about sexism! When the gals (word used facetiously) on the Trump Hour began to show thigh, I waited for someone to say, “Stop it!” Yet the meek 2004 class of journalism said nary a word.

Then there’s the H2O factor. Water-coolers are all about appointment television. Remember Hill Street Blues, Dream On, Freaks & Geeks, Larry Sanders, Boomtown, Studio 60 and other often-misunderstood moments of hour-long genius? That’s what we stay home for. Not The Apprentice. I would rather observe mud wrestling. Drink at a noisy bar. See a bad Sam Shepard play. Walk filthy streets and pick up trash (paper, not people).

Kids do matter. Not that I have any.. DT is not an ideal role model for anyone young; he is way too self-satisfied to make anyone feel good. To pull the Gingrich card, Trump is a man who left two wives for younger versions. Where are the family values in that?

Trump is not a billionaire like Forbes or Branson or Andy Williams (the singer—he’s rich!). He files for bankruptcy more than I file my nails. A long-used line about being the biggest New York real estate holder is one fib for which my second grade teacher would put him in the corner. Unlike Baby…

Anyway, NBC’s programmers are so unsure of themselves that viewers think “Can’t trust that” whenever they throw something up. I admit I viewed some of those tossed-in 8:30 PM on Thursday shows. During which I kept wondering if a blue screen would contain more fun. Other NBC outings (like the execrable Whoopi) left me fantasizing about scratching the number 4 from my remote!

Sure it’s trivial—someone explain how KFC got embroiled?!? I was really taken aback when tey grabbed the Trump mantel and announced an offer to the runner-up with a sales job after the finger-lickers launch an oven-roasted “chicken.” Holy collision of dissimilar products, Batman! I kept thinking that in the finale Britney might appear…to re-uinite with (K)Fed.

Finally, a positive paragraph: With a real leader The Apprentice is a terrific way to teach us how to vie for what we desire from life. It’s a nice lesson. If you want to move up in the world take the advice of the show’s patronizing producers and fight! fight! fight! for what you believe in.

In the long run, it thrills me to quote Trump from last year at this time when he said: “NBC would never cancel this show.” Claiming “I’m the best they’ve got,” it was a moment to cluck and think: This too shall pass.

What’s good for our collective soul? Concentrating on what matters. Like Marge getting overwrought with Homer because his latest scam went awry.

That’s my kind of reality.

As many of you smart asses know, Google took its name from the googol, a hugely huge number (1 followed by 100 zeroes in fact) that was coined by the 9-year old nephew of mathematician geek, Edward Kasner. Little Billy Kasner (or whatever the nephew was called) didn’t make much coin from it, not like Larry and Sergey did from their version.

Yesterday’s announcement that Google is buying online advertising agency DoubleClick for $3.1billion has competitors up in arms that Google is becoming a monolopy when it comes to online advertising. We call it a Googleopoly, but that’s just us (and it probably isn’t original anyway).

Microsoft Corp and others believes Google will now have an unassailable advantage over competitors in the online advertising market. It dominates the search engine advertising market and, with the purchase of DoubleClick, will dominate the online display advertising market too. Boo hoo.

Of course Mighty Mike, the subject of many anti-trust complanits itself, might be just trying to deflect attention from its own alleged monoploistic practices. The reality is that, while Google will find synergies between the two types of online advertising, they are different beasts and so unlikely to provide an unfair advantage over competitors.

Other than the unfairness that innovation brings, that is. What is easy to forget is that Google got big, not because it used unfair tactics to grow, but because it built a better mousetrap. And it doesn’t own the market on mousetraps.

Yes, you too can win prizes!

Depending on our mood we will be giving out Punk patches and Punk poster to those who get a score of 90% or higher (place answers in the Comments section below or e-mail Team Punk.

Please use a #2 pencil. Attach another piece of paper for more room, as necessary. Or just do it.

1. What’s the name of the video game team Tylenol sponsored?

2. What products can people order while playing a specific video game online?

3. Name the three types of video game advertising?

4. What do 42 percent of consumers call the element businesses need to improve upon most?

6. What’s the average age of a video game player?

7. What reality TV show encompassed “the most shameful product placement ever” (NY Post)?

8. Which automaker created its own TV channel?

9. Which TV soap spawned the launch of a real fragrance?

10. What have experts dubbed the (undeniably charming) ability of children to get what they want from their parents?

11. When was the TV remote control launched?

12. Who played ad spokesman Joe Isuzu?

13. What’s the URL of the Web site that “denounces the white God” iPod?

14. What percentage of consumers think admen are honest?

15. What was total US marketing “spend” in 2005?

16. Which video game became the biggest entertainment launch in history?

17. What’s the nom d’hype for busy executives always on the go?

18. Who directed Volvo’s spoof documentary film?

19. Who wrote a 2005 research paper with the word “choice” seven times in the title?

20. Name the games tester who claimed medical damages from the manufacturer?

21. When was Independence Day for cell phone customers?

22. When promoting a Virgin Trains route from London to Manchester on a British Airlines flight, what did Virgin staff have written on their red T-shirts?

23. Why did a group of people speak without using the letter O?

FILL IN THE BLANK SECTION:

Knowing that what you do passes the _______ _________ and is meaningful, honest and interesting and if it isn’t, doing something else instead.

Sixty percent of the programs watched by _____ users are recorded; 92 percent of the _____ on those programs are skipped over with gleeful abandon.

Mark Simmons has a tattoo that says _______ is the enemy of creativity.

BONUS ESSAY QUESTION FOR REALLY COOL POINTS:

What does Punk Marketing mean to me?
Or
How did Punk Marketing spend its summer vacation?

…We saw you, you weren’t using a number 2 pencil.

The salon where I get my “hair cut” in Soho has been doing a terrific job for years. But they have branched out to the point of no return and now the owner’s got a whole line of products to hawk. Whatever. But now when I call them instead of “push 1 for reservations,” the faux British lady says “push 1 for products.” That pisses me off and I’m considering a new place for a hair-do.

Why should I be 2?

It makes me think about how businesses these days forget how fickle the purchaser is, and how every little public decision counts. A lot.

Let’s look at Folgers, the coffee company that sells Americanized caffeine powder and has over $450 million of the market. They went out and said a new softer coffee would be better for the stomach – and had the science to prove it.

They called it Simply Smooth. “Made from specially selected beans that are roasted to reduce certain irritants that may affect a sensitive stomach,” was their super big press release.

People started going to their favorite blog and posting droves that Folgers’ talk seemed suspiciously like marketing-speak and questioned the veracity. Or, they called it bullshit. Then suddenly the New York Times asked Dr. Joel E. Richter about it – after seeing the online ruckus.“It’s as much mythology as anything,” Richter blabbed. “The evidence that coffee is injurious to the stomach isn’t there.” Hmm.

How many people are now in the market walking past Folgers for Maxwell House, where being good to the last drop was never in question.

What about the old time iTunes/iPod/Apple religion? Even it makes mistakes. This corporation just enacted something awesome that made me look up and say “Wow, a business is listening.” Apple announced we could finally buy entire albums from songs we had already purchased – cheaper than if we’d purchased the missing songs individually. Brilliant. However, in micro-letters it explained this was only for a limited time. Why? If I own the song why can’t you just let me take my time…! Why does a cool company like Jobs’ have to be as officious as anyone else? You already have my business,

We all have examples…I’m even a little miffed at the local design company who sent an e-mail about a fire in his place (“We’re offline now,” as if I would care) and used a salutation sure to insult folks: “Dear Clients & Friends…” If there’s money changing hands you need to separate me!” It’s like, “Screw you, give me the check.”

This whole partitioning of Friends and Family got our pal Starbucks in a ton of trouble last year. Remember how they sent out the e-mail “Free Iced Coffee” promotion to their myriad friends-of-Starbucks (mostly associates, executives, vendors and their beloveds) since they had a run of IC in the summer? Just after everyone started forwarding the darn things to everyone they knew Starbucks called it off. On the counters went a black-and-white sign, “This was only meant for Friends and Family,” which allegedly explained why they weren’t honoring the coupon any longer! Most of us who saw it went wait a minute. Well who the fuck am I?

Hardly anyone is careful anymore and it’s un-Punk to just push the send key without thinking clearly, weighing your options, and finally reading carefully. Why do people “say” anything when they are smart enough to know it could get them in hot water!

Well there you have it. A brief posting about the Punk mission to remember everyone’s watching. We’re all waiting to see what you do next. As a matter of fact, look up, that’s me staring at you, wondering why you aren’t studying. Because in a few days you’ll be getting the Quiz from Mark and me…and you’ll want to win one of our fabulous Punk Patches.

Oh yeah.

Not long to go now before advertisers and their agencies get the bad news they’ve been avoiding for so long - viewer ratings on their TV ads. For the first time on a widespread basis Neilsen Media Research will start releasing data on how many viewers (if any) continue watching a channel during the breaks. We Punks predict the data will make depressing reading for the majority of the people who are responsible for the $70billion of TV advertising stuffed on our screens each year. Who will be the most depressed? We’ve ranked them, in order of decreasing depression:
1. TV network executives (because they’ll continue to lose ad dollars to other media)
2. Ad agency executives (they have focused too heavily on TV campaigns and don’t know what else to do)
3. TV production companies (their business is built around TV ads, but the smart ones are honing their skills for other forms of film content)
4. Marketing executives (they will realize how much money they’ve been wasting - not “half” as Mr. John Wanamaker said all those years go, but maybe seventy, eigthy or ninety percent)

And who’s most to blame? Weve ranked them too, in order of decreasing blame:
1. Ad agency executives (they’ve pigeonholed themselves into experts at making TV ads when the writing has been on the wall for years that they should be thinking far more broadly to other formats)
2. Marketing executives (they allowed their weak agencies to make terrible ads containing no Big Ideas that are irritating to watch)
3. TV network executives (they should have said “no!” to bad ads or at least charged a premium for them a long time ago - bad TV ads weaken the content on the network)
4. TV production companies (for agreeing to make crap ads because the money was good - shame on you)

To the few smart marketers and agencies who have seen this coming and are now thinking Punk, we salute you!