Starbucks Closes Our Eyes
This week Starbucks left millions of rush hour commuters parched and disappointed when they found out the coffee joint was closed for a 3.5 hour barista training session and forced loyal customers to find an alternate way to quench their caffeine and Bonnie Raitt cravings (whoever pumps their music in loves Raittster).
Now Starbucks, which I publicly renamed “The Gap of the Coffee World” in a local paper, insists this wasn’t a publicity stunt… And yet we at Punk Marketing Central know better. Come on, coffee dudes, we could smell it.
The newspapers carried headlines (brought to them from puppy dog PR people) that said things like “Starbucks, totally awesome” and “Coffee, not just for ingestion anymore.” For a non-publicity stunt, it was a kind of a genius happening, and there is surely no shame in rising above the noisy news world.
Take a listen to the background music: The stock price has halved. For the first time the company has not only stopped expanding, but actually closing locations. With 171 in Manhattan alone (click here to to see what happens when one man decides to hit up every NY shoppe in 24 hours), the concept of downsizing must hit Starbucks execs right square in the caffeinated gullet.
Next they are going to for the first time stop charging customers for Wi-Fi usage. (They won’t charge for the first two hours. When your time is up, just go down the street to — Starbucks.) What to say to that? It’s about time. Who charges for Wi-Fi anymore besides Boingo!? We would rather take our coffee outside, sit on a bench and steal someone’s wireless connection. And you do too. Not to sound paranoid, but it’s creepy when you sign on at Starbucks. They ask for your address, credit card and your soul. Gets us every time. When they made the big announcement about the change last week, only to receive a resounding “duh, finally” from customers.
So Starbucks needed to turn both Wall Street and consumer attention away from what’s coming out as the bad news while reminding and/or convincing people that it’s worthwhile to spend more on a cup of coffee than our anorexically-inclined lunches. How about focusing the buzz away from crap stock news to the hopefully increasing quality of its product…
And while the coverage of the gimmick was huge I’d like to ask Howard Schultz a Punk question: Do you know who you are? Is the creation you created called Starbucks still Starbucks? The place we sat in with the milquetoast sounds around us, made us feel comfy enough to buy coffee and relax. Now it’s a machine — everything is about selling me what’s playing on an iTunes-enhanced monitor! I see products everywhere. Yep. I’m in the Gap all over again.
Barista-retooling made all the papers and broadcast news, and spread around our friend the blogosphere. Even Today did a piece in this mediocre news month. Turns out Veira and Lauer were thrilled that the human coffee-makers are trained to make their Venti Soy Lattes to a higher standard. Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Now the public knows he’s at a 30 Rock Starbucks. Not shabby PR, no way no how. And if you venture into a Starry-Eyes Bucks today, you will nbote a branded-new sticker on the door stating: “We Make The Best Espresso….” Gee, are they trying to force a point down our throats?
Starbucks claims the week’s events were all about the coffee and it’s got the level of credibility we felt from bumpy Jennifer Lopez who was no way pregnant.! Punk Marketers know much better. And sure, we love a stunt almost as much as our morning joe. Problem is, someone else snuggled up to us while Starbucks was closed. During those three point five sad hours we got to sample the Dunkin’ Donuts around the block, where we discovered a one-dollar latte with a lot more froth.
Alright, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Training a barrista at Starbucks nowadays consists of teaching them how to steam milk properly and which buttons they need to push to get the Caffina machine to make the correct amount of crappy espresso.
I worked in a Barnes & Noble Cafe (who has been serving Starbucks coffee for over a decade) back in the day when we had to make everything ourselves. That took training, skill and experience to be able to deal with a very volatile little bitch of a drink called coffee.
Espresso is very temperamental and it takes a hell of a lot longer than 3.5 hours to learn how to combat ambient humidity, change water pressure and the effects of barometric pressure on the coffee beans in the hopper to make sure that you can get a perfect shot every time.
Starbuck’s didn’t close their stores to rain anyone to make coffee, what they most likely did was give their employees a primer on where their coffee comes from, what it tastes like when made properly and how to describe things to customers. Being a barrista at Starbucks hasn’t required any real skill since the creation of the Caffina machine.
Additionally, Starbucks sucks. Their coffee is super acidic and generally made by under-trained monkeys who couldn’t steam milk properly if their life depended on it. Honestly, next time you’re waiting in line for your triple non-fat 2 pump sugar free vanilla latte (or as we in the biz called it “a [insert local convenience store name] capp” listen to them steam the milk for your drink. If you can hear them doing it, they’re not doing it right. If they’re doing it right, it will make almost no noise whatsoever.
I have never, in my life, had a decent cup of coffee from Starbucks. Not once. Alright, rant over.
Greg