The Academy Awards By Punks

Here at Punk Central we give awards sporadically to awards given previously, those that in our estimation have to be remembered. And in honor of the Oscars:

11 Awards Given For Oscars (delayed so we could fully wake up from it)!

Award for Whitest Host

Ellen. What’s up with that? I think she was trying so hard but in the end was so terribly inoffensive (and wearing a serious white outfit when you’re THAT Caucasian is a mistake, talk about blending in with wallpaper) that it often felt like she was just the MC waiting for the host.

It’s like the show never even started.

Award for Strangest Use of a Tuxedo

A woman I had never heard of, Thelma Schoonmaker, a childhood pal of Marty Scorcese’s, winner for editing The Departed, wore a tux that made her look like one third man, a third editor, and third faux lesbian.

Award for Leaving At the Right Time

Eddie Murphy thankfully did not win–imagine living in a world where Oscar Winner Eddie Murphy was on signs for Norbert III–but you could see him get up and leave huffily after Alan Arkin did do the winner dance. Strangely good timing.

Award for Pretending to be Upset by a Breakup that was Made for the News

Cameron Diaz, with face more noticeably filled with pock marks (maybe you’re a fan, but I got Hi-Def at home), showing how happy she was to be single again; but I’m not certain their much ballyhooed relationship was more than gossip fodder. Fantastic acting, Cam, finally!

Award for Best Line of the Night [paraphrased]

“We want to thank everyone for wearing penguin suits!” from George Miller, brilliant director of the audacious and non-Disney Happy Feet. If you haven’t seen it, get out–this is NOT for kids.

Award for Least Useful Person On TV

Chris Connelly. I remember him at Rolling Stone and Us where he wrote heartfelt pieces on the star of the moment. His before-the-show banter was fine, but what a waste of tiempo having him backstage reminding us what’s to come (like we couldn’t guess–we’ve been watching these boring backslappers for decades).

It’s times like this I think so many salaries in Hollywood could be done without and the funds can automatically be channeled to charity.

Award for Reminder of Stephen King’s Best Horror Piece

The white glove hands sweeping off the “remaining” Oscars backstage. Creepy–and Carrie reminiscent.

Award for Best Reason to be on the Pacific Time Zone

Geesh. Here I am shlumped outside LA, the awards are on real time….I’m half-asleep at 9:30. So, uh, what’s it like for the East Coasters???

Award for Silliest Hair and worst reminder of Shaft

I am already not a fan of Will Ferrell’s (except in Old School, a humble Ferrell)…The hair was more a reminder of Bozo than anything. Wear a hat, dude.

Award for the Best Line Advertised Onscreen Meriting A Quote on Our Blog

“Well, do ya punk?” from Dirty Harry (1971) quoted on your monitor as you watched at home. This was the Academy’s pseudo-cool way to show off lines from movies. But the Punk line at the bottom of your TV was the one that you saw constantly floating around the screen. And because Oscars were two days before our book came out we call it a tribute!

And we accept. We’d like to thank–oh forget it.

One final award for the night:

Award for the Missing Presenter

Topher Grace isn’t a big deal (remember him from That 70’s Show?) but he’s the funniest of a myriad young upandcomers. Sorry he wasn’t there; he does a good “young worker” in movies and he’s been funny as himself in those Oceans flicks too. He once said the truest comment of any star-in-the-making: “I’m really open in talking about how green I am and how much I just want to learn,” says Grace. “A big part of it for me was just trying to shut up and observe.”

Amen, Topher.

Yes, we know. If we’re so bored well why do we watch them? So we can make fun of them, is why! Hooray for Hollywood.

We’ll see you soon, when we start to give presents to people in the service businesses on our own page, AwardsAwards, right here on PunkMarketing.com…and at a teleprompter nearest you!

With Love,
Oscar Laermer

RSS 2.0 | Trackback