Yeah! Finally! He’s Fired!

In celebration of the fact NBC will not renew The Apprentice this week, I salute everyone who agrees that Donald Trump is a (horrid) site to behold.

Let’s analyze the harsh noise that is The Donald!

Trump is a man with the confidence of an army. It was only a matter of time before he became the latest crap to make noise in reality television, a genre that always reminds me of those “900-“ porn lines of the early 90’s.

Trump isn’t all he cracks himself up to be, and so herewith a reality check on what his fame has meant to a nation of watchers. And maybe do something to ebb the flow so that when Spike TV picks up his washed-up show, we can remember not to watch.

Yes, it’s personall. I tried Fear Factor. I gave Survivor a shot. All the while I was lusting for one—any!—rerun of The Simpsons. At least there I can learn something. (“Look,” says little Ralph Wiggum. “Everyone is hugging.”)

I have no interest in, and cannot bear the publicity over the goings-on of, a man spending his family’s money. Seeing Don horde it over people is neither entertaining nor compelling. Giving something away on TV? Hardly new. Ben Stein earned his money a new-fashioned way and doled it out when contestants answering goofily intelligent questions with a wink and a nod. That makes sense—and pretty good TV.

Then a few years ago we got Trumped. This is a guy who eats sound bites for a living (“He does so much PR, when does he get any work done!”) used NBC’s downtrodden imprimatur and uncanny machine-making skills to boost his id. (This is a network so desperate they replaced decent drama with Real Wedding Crashers just to get up from the basement.) Don abuses the NBC system and achieves attention by slow-news-day-grabbing stunts that are tiring and show no innovation. He hates Rosie? Big fucking deal. Who doesn’t!

To boot, stunts like this take our energy away from the news of the day.

Draping a giant You’re Fired! banner along one of his leased buildings…attempting to ‘TM’ his unusually nasty saying against a tiny clay-baking company in Illinois…talking about his competition publicly to give them a chance to put up their dukes…dull manners in which Apprentice clinged to and cluttered our already-deluged minds.

Strong marketing serves a purpose and sells a deemed-necessary product. Donald Trump doesn’t have the chops. His smirk is not charming and regardless of what Marla Maples said, he is not alluring. Isn’t it true that TV = sex? At least that’s what the grandstanding religious folks tell me.

I wonder if NBC’s managers pondered how stuff like this pushed intelligent people further from tube time. With that in mind, here are some points to remember:

In post-Recession America we shouldn’t have been listening to someone flipping off, You’re fired! with glee. That trashy line from The Weakest Link (“Goodbye!”) was bad enough, but no one took her seriously; it was a passing phrase phase like “Where’s the beef.”

Did you ever imagine any of the actors on The Apprentice working for you? Need I pursue this?

Since Trump is not as rich as he thinks, the crass thought came to me that, “No, I don’t want advice from a failed tycoon.” And would any of us want to work for someone who takes no one’s advice? Lucille Ball would not approve! And yes, the hair is hard to look at.

What about sexism! When the gals (word used facetiously) on the Trump Hour began to show thigh, I waited for someone to say, “Stop it!” Yet the meek 2004 class of journalism said nary a word.

Then there’s the H2O factor. Water-coolers are all about appointment television. Remember Hill Street Blues, Dream On, Freaks & Geeks, Larry Sanders, Boomtown, Studio 60 and other often-misunderstood moments of hour-long genius? That’s what we stay home for. Not The Apprentice. I would rather observe mud wrestling. Drink at a noisy bar. See a bad Sam Shepard play. Walk filthy streets and pick up trash (paper, not people).

Kids do matter. Not that I have any.. DT is not an ideal role model for anyone young; he is way too self-satisfied to make anyone feel good. To pull the Gingrich card, Trump is a man who left two wives for younger versions. Where are the family values in that?

Trump is not a billionaire like Forbes or Branson or Andy Williams (the singer—he’s rich!). He files for bankruptcy more than I file my nails. A long-used line about being the biggest New York real estate holder is one fib for which my second grade teacher would put him in the corner. Unlike Baby…

Anyway, NBC’s programmers are so unsure of themselves that viewers think “Can’t trust that” whenever they throw something up. I admit I viewed some of those tossed-in 8:30 PM on Thursday shows. During which I kept wondering if a blue screen would contain more fun. Other NBC outings (like the execrable Whoopi) left me fantasizing about scratching the number 4 from my remote!

Sure it’s trivial—someone explain how KFC got embroiled?!? I was really taken aback when tey grabbed the Trump mantel and announced an offer to the runner-up with a sales job after the finger-lickers launch an oven-roasted “chicken.” Holy collision of dissimilar products, Batman! I kept thinking that in the finale Britney might appear…to re-uinite with (K)Fed.

Finally, a positive paragraph: With a real leader The Apprentice is a terrific way to teach us how to vie for what we desire from life. It’s a nice lesson. If you want to move up in the world take the advice of the show’s patronizing producers and fight! fight! fight! for what you believe in.

In the long run, it thrills me to quote Trump from last year at this time when he said: “NBC would never cancel this show.” Claiming “I’m the best they’ve got,” it was a moment to cluck and think: This too shall pass.

What’s good for our collective soul? Concentrating on what matters. Like Marge getting overwrought with Homer because his latest scam went awry.

That’s my kind of reality.

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